German legislation is at its most creative, however, when it comes to
curtailing citizens’ fondness for frolicking around in fancy dress. Turning
up at a meeting or demonstration in a mask or false nose, for instance, will
earn you a hefty fine or 12 months in prison. Known as the Mummery Law, this
rule is suspended during Karneval, for obvious reasons.

Germans can’t possibly know every single rule though. When I moved into my
first flat I put up a satellite dish to watch the BBC. I was just tuning
into the teatime news when my landlady burst in, saying it was verboten
and demanding I take the dish down. I politely recited the paragraph of the
German Civil Code, which charters the right of every foreigner in Germany to
watch television in their own language. “Ah so, Alles in ordnung,”
came the calm and orderly response. For a while everything remained calm and “in
order”. Until we tried planting a small shrub in the garden – without
permission – which really is verboten.

A peep over the garden fence reveals how Germans over-exaggerate when it comes
to avoiding anything that’s the slightest bit verboten. Like letting
leaves pile up on your lawn any higher than five inches. Only this would
explain why I’ve had several neighbours who go around shaking tree branches
before raking up the leaves, in order to cut the workload.

Germans might take civil obedience to ridiculous extremes, but when it comes
to forking out for fines they eagerly conspire to outwit the law. Take, for
example, blitzermeldungen. These are speed traps, and Germans love
phoning their local radio stations to warn listeners about where they risk
getting “blitzed”. You can almost hear them purr with pleasure,
patting their backs in self-congratulation, as they reveal the whereabouts
of these loathed devices. Brits loathe them too, of course, but take the
attitude “it’s a fair cop” – you speed, you pay.

The typical German is constantly on the alert for pitfalls in life, guarding
against whatever disasters might strike. Something the press must take part
of the blame for. Doomsday warnings like “Werden die Deutschen
impotent?” (are Germans losing their fertility?) and “Sterben
die Deutschen aus?” (are Germans dying out?) are widespread. Der Spiegel
magazine ran an online interview with a “population expert” from
Bielefeld University. Written in typical apocalyptic mood, the message was
that Germans need an extra 500,000 immigrants by 2025, or they’ll die out.

Of course things are rarely as bad as they seem. Not even in Germany. After
living here 14 years I secretly enjoy a bit of disorder once a year. Roll on Karneval
2014.

Tim blogs on life in Germany at knowhoweforenglish.blogspot.de/

This article was originally published in The
Telegraph Weekly World Edition.

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