Now that the Bavarian Farmers Association has put sex and spuds together for their 2015 Hot Potato calendar, there will never be a potato famine again. That’s because steamy models are sparking interest in the harvest by laying around on endless potatoes in lacy underthings. It’s silly, but they needed to find a way to get you to recognize that Bavaria is so much more than cream. The beauties with braids pose for the camera with way more than anyone’s fair share of potatoes. Because they had to act like potatoes were the greatest joy in their lives, we decided to give the women of the hot potato calendar a voice.

This is what they’re all thinking.

1. The Potato Bed Dwellers
“I love caressing this heap of potatoes as though it were my lover’s back.”

2. The Woman With Chips in Every Orifice
“So much for my hopes of being a non-vegetable model. My dream is already deferred, and I must give all of myself to the potato chips as a declaration of my love of the farmland.”

3. The Woman Keeping Potatoes Warm for You
“If using this bushel for your family’s potato pancakes this Christmas is wrong, I just don’t want to be right.”

4. The On-Duty Potato Guard
“I don’t get why they gave me gloves if they were going to make me step on potatoes with a bare foot. But if I wink with my left eye, it shows that I’m into the holes in my shirt and the fact that this neckerchief is slid to the side so you can see my cleavage.”

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